Enough

Cried most of the way home last night.

Yes, I was in pain,

but the tears were more frustration than anything.

Been a long three months

with very little progress.

Kept asking,

"Is this the rest of my life?"

 

Once the vault is unlocked,

tears come flooding out.

There is no containment,

just futile attempts at trying to shut them away

for the next time I take inventory.

 

Not angry,

not really depressed,

just extremely tender,

broken.

 

He sees and understands my tenderness,

my brokenness.

He too is tender.

He too was broken.

He doesn't mind my tears,

and I don't ask questions.

His hands are big enough.

They have always been big enough.

 

When I was young,

I dreamed big dreams.

We dreamed together.

These I pursued with ardor, patience, flexibility.

Have to be flexible, teachable.

 

Middle age found me pulled in many directions -

family, career, church.

Almost pulled me apart.

 

Retirement brought suffering, pain

with little reprieve -

oh, and blindness.

 

Feel like I'm flying blind these days.

My biggest dream today,

instead on finishing well,

is to have another day,

another chance to finish well.

I also desire to survive that day.

 

Today's journey is painful and tiring,

jammed with difficulties to overcome

and mysteries to ponder.

It is what it is.

 

I can no longer see where I'm going,

so I do not trust my senses.

I can no longer rely on my own strength,

so I do not trust my abilities.

I can no longer bank on my own ideas or intuition,

so I do not trust my mind.

I can, however, follow my heart

and carry on as best I can

in spite of weakness.

 

My weakness, my brokenness, my pain -

they don't scare Him.

He embraces it all.

He is the King of Brokenness.

 

Yes, the road seems narrower,

but I can still get up,

put one foot in front of the other,

and take one step at a time

with my face turned toward the Son.

My advance,

however near or far,

in is Divine hands.

 

So . . . I . . . WILL

do justly,

love mercy,

walk in humility,

listen for His voice,

follow His instructions,

love Him faithfully,

love others as best I can,

trust Him implicitly,

and worship any way I can.

 

He's been there all along - 

the Rock that sheltered my soul in the past,

the Power hidden behind my mysteries,

the Shadow who has carried me thus far.

He will continue to be here until the end

whenever, wherever, however that may come.

 

Yes, He has been there all along

and will continue to be here.

This is all I know.

It is enough.

 

He is enough.