I hesitate to post this, but I have to.

So many of my friends and acquaintances had loved ones who died last year.  This year isn't starting off much better.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer in 2002 and in the two years thereafter, I received soooooo many cards and phone calls and visits and flowers and meals and offers of help with all kinds of things like housecleaning and yard work. However, many times I found myself in  "worse" shape afterwards than I was before all because the "well" sometimes do not know how to interact with the "ill." Sometimes they say some incredibly insensitive things that get the marbles rolling for hours. Have you ever tried to corral those beasties and stuff them back where they belong? You have, haven't you? Not fun. 

I sincerely thank God for and ask His blessings on everyone who tried to or did help me and my family during this time.

One of my most memorable cards was one that simply said, "This sucks!" Pardon if that language offends. This card and the person who sent it brought a smile to my face and light to my day.  It said exactly what I wanted, no needed to hear. I still have that card today.

Yes, the "well" sometimes don't know how to handle the "ill." Neither do those who haven't lost a loved one know how to interact with the "grieving."

Illness and death change us. Life is never the same afterwards. One doesn't simply get back to his old self because part of himself is gone - for good.

Thus, I post the following today. Maybe the information here will help eliminate the awkwardness that often arises when confronted with someone who is grieving (or recovering from an illness). A friend of mine who lost a loved one last year shared this with me so that I could share it with others.

My Wish List

(author unknown)

I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one's name. They lived and were important, and I need to hear their name.

If I cry and get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn't because you hurt me: The fact they died causes my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good cry my grief is all over or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.

Being bereaved is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me.

I wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, fear, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in 6 months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for me.

I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight, lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses, and be accident prone - all of which are related to my grief.

My loved one's birthday, the anniversary of their death, and the holidays can be terrible times for us. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking of us on these days. And if I get quiet and withdrawn, just know that I am thinking about my loved one and don't try to coerce me into being cheerful.

I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink or to a party.

This is just a temporary crutch, and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it.  I have to hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my beloved died, and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to my old self, you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get to know this different me. I'm the one who'll be here from now on.

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Again, I thank everyone who has loved me through everything the last fifteen years. I appreciate each of you and pray God's very best for you and yours. I also thank my friend who sent this to me because the last thing I want to do is be awkward around or say anything insensitive to you or to any of my friends who are currently grieving. I do not want to be the one who looses their marbles - though I will help them pick them up.